Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
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I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.