MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
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Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
This is a sub tweet
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.