Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
You Might Also Like
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Order here:
More here:
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Owl Sanctuary
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I’m having an out of money experience.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me