THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
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[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.