[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
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fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.