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Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep