Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
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Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”