breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
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It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance