“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
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“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*