I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
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The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.