Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
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Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
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