I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
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I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
you have three unread messages
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial