*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
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*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.