Does this dress make me look cat?
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My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.