Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
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Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
dutch is not a serious language
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.