Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
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HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
The symmetry is uncanny.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed