Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
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When you can’t find your friend Neil
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.