IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
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When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Awesome parenting 😂
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”