Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
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Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.