EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
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Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.