Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
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My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”