I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
You Might Also Like
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
is this a warning or an offer?
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI