ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
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[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger