@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
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Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
smartest karate player in the world
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299