some cats are just doing for fun!
You Might Also Like
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Every. Damn. Time.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?