Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
You Might Also Like
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
My purse is deeper than some people.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.