Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
You Might Also Like
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.