Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
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[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”