“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
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[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
This raises questions
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Oh deer
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
#parenting
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”