How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
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Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.