Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
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I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”