I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
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Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Ah..makes sense now
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]