Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
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My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Coffee for people with no kids
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample