Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
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*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Have kids, they said
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!