The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
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It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him