This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
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Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
School be like
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big