learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
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Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.