if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
You Might Also Like
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
if my sleeping schedule was a person
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?