Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
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If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.