My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
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If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.