Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
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[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.