Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
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7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
[shakes fist at other fist]
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist