[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
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Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Perfect
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.