Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
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I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
constantly working on myself.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Not today, today.
Not today.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.