[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
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If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
The first one, obviously
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts