Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
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Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
How to make infinite energy.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.