My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
You Might Also Like
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
#ProTip
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me