Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
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2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
No. He’s not coming out to play
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.