How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
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my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
*cough*
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.