2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
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I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Living the best life.. 😊
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Dammit Chief not again
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”